Longbox Junk - Batman: The Return of Bruce Wayne

Welcome back to Longbox Junk, home of comic reviews nobody ever asked me for!

I know that it's the middle of September as I write this, but I STILL have to apologize for summertime Longbox Junk delays. You see, when you manage a hotel in a state that's 75% National/State Parks (Utah), then "summertime" actually lasts until some time in October when it starts to frost up and they begin closing trails. Luckily, I'm not really near any ski areas, so I don't have to deal with THAT insanity.

What I'm saying is that it's STILL extremely busy. . .to the point that I'm writing this at 12:30 a.m. and I'm writing it a couple of minutes at a time because the phone is ringing off the hook and there's people wandering to and fro wanting this and that, even this late. It's not as bad as full on July madness, but it still makes me wonder why the hell all these kids aren't in school by now.  By the way.  It's now 1:15 a.m.  It took me 45 minutes to write the paragraph above.

BUT ENOUGH OF THAT!

What we have here is another Longbox Junk "Rescue Review". Called so because I've "rescued" them from the hard to find and navigate archives of a certain well-known comic site I used to work for that has become more of a "comic related' site. I've shined them up a bit. Added some pictures, and put them in a place where people who still care about comic BOOKS might be able to enjoy them.

The comics at hand are a 6 part mini-series put out by DC after their mega-amazing and supremely super-duper (or so I hear. . .I haven't actually read it) Final Crisis "Event" which SPOILER ALERT! features Batman sacrificing himself in the end to stop Darkseid from something something Anti-Life Equation something. And that led into a whole thing where everyone thought Batman was dead. But Batman wasn't REALLY dead, of course. Darkseid had sent him back in time using Omega Rays as part of a plan to something something Vanishing Point something using Omega Energy to blow a hole in time!

Okay.

As you can probably tell, I wasn't really interested in the whole "Event" aspect of this series. . .but what I WAS interested in was Batman travelling through time. Caveman Batman! Pirate Batman! Cowboy Batman! Awwwww. . .YEAH! Some time-hoppin' Batman sounded pretty good to me.

Was it as good as I thought it would be?
I'll let the short and sweet original introduction tell you everything you need to know.

Let's do it!

ORIGINAL INTRO:

Welcome to what I consider one of the top 5 worst modern Batman stories!

Shall we begin?

BATMAN: 

THE RETURN OF BRUCE WAYNE

DC (2010)

ISSUE 1

SHADOW ON STONE

SCRIPTS: Grant Morrison

PENCILS: Chris Sprouse

COVER: Andy Kubert

First off, let's take a look at the good. The cover.
Kubert. Awesome. Two words that just belong together.

Unfortunately, the rest is a hot mess.
And not just hot, but hot like a thousand suns. It's bad.

See. . .the basic problem here is that DC decided at some point to let an insane Scotsman with an obsession for minutiae and a smug expectation of readers being familiar with everything he's ever written to write one of their tentpole characters for a while.

I may be in the minority when it comes to my opinion of Grant Morrison's writing. I understand that there are those who regard him as almost some sort of comic messiah. I'm not one of those people.

That said. . .

Just because a particular person writes a particular thing, that doesn't make that thing good OR bad by default. The question HERE is whether or not this first issue can cut it on its own.

Taken objectively. . .no. It's awful.

The main reason it's awful is because it relies on such a string of improbable coincidence that what little narrative there is (to be fair. . .it IS pretty much cavemen) collapses under the weight of groaning through things like Bruce Wayne just happening to find a cave filled with bats. . .one of the young cavemen painting a domino mask on and becoming Bruce's sidekick. . .Vandal Savage just happening to be the leader of a tribe just over the hill. . .and so on and so forth. . .one coincidence after the other completely ruins this story.

No.  Just. . .no.

That was the neutral view. Here's my prejudiced view. . .

Morrison smugly ruins what SHOULD be a simple, pulpy tale of a hero trapped in time with his obsession for fan service and trying to connect EVERYTHING in the DCU.

At least the art isn't bad.  Too bad it's in service of a story so toploaded with Grant Morrison's particular brand of insanity that it's not nearly enough to save this comic.

This COULD have been great. . .in the hands of another writer. As it stands, I find this first issue to be convoluted and entirely dependent on the reader having knowledge of "Batman R.I.P.", "Final Crisis" and (then current, pre New 52) DC continuity. It's also pointlessly smug and full of coincidence and needless fan service that stands in the way of an otherwise simple story of Batman waking up in a cave with partial amnesia and finding out he's in the stone age instead of dead.

ISSUE 2

UNTIL THE END OF TIME

SCRIPTS: Grant Morrison

PENCILS: Frazer Irving

COVER:  Andy Kubert

Batman is pulled forward in time to Colonial America, where he becomes embroiled in Puritanical witch-hunting shenanigans while Superman, Green Lantern, Booster Gold, and Rip Hunter frantically search for Bruce through time in order to keep him from destroying the universe with Omega Energy he's unknowingly building up as he pushes his way forward to his own time!

Once again, Grant Morrison bogs down what should be a fairly simple tale with a string of improbable coincidence and fan service nods to make what would probably be a decent story in another writer's hands into a muddled, almost unreadable mess that pretty much depends on the reader's knowledge of Batman R.I.P, Final Crisis, and past DC continuity. It's just bad.

Frazer Irving's art is the star of this issue. His dark, moody, and muted style is perfect for a tale of Bruce Wayne finding himself colonial times. With the exception of Superman, though. Irving never gets a handle on Superman for some reason. 

Overall, I liked this issue better than the first.  The scenes of Superman and Company searching for Batman were interesting, but confusing to say the least.  Thankfully, Morrison kept most of his insanity in those sections and left the main story of Bruce Wayne in Colonial Gotham somewhat straightforward.

ISSUE 3

THE BONES OF BRISTOL BAY

SCRIPTS: Grant Morrison

PENCILS: Yanick Paquette

COVER: Andy Kubert

This issue was a LITTLE better than the previous two. A lot of that is due to the fantastic artwork. Very dynamic and detailed.  I have to say that in each issue the art in this series has definitely done its best to prop this story up.  It's not enough, but credit where credit's due.

So what we have here is Batman still somehow pushing his way forward in time.  This time into the 1700's and the age of pirates!  Pirate Batman vs. Blackbeard! How could this possibly go wrong?

Yar HARRR!

Unfortunately, the same story problems that ultimately sunk the other two issues are here as well. . .and in a way they're even magnified as Morrison gives us a longer look at The Justice League's time trippers trying to find Batman, which distracts from the swashbuckling pirate story advertised on the goddamn cover of the comic!

AND THEN. . .

Improbable coincidences pile one atop the other. Smug nods to obscure continuity details. Confusing narrative that relies on the past work of the writer in other places instead of just concentrating on the fairly simple story at hand. 

One begins to wonder. . .is Grant Morrison even capable of writing a simple story? 

Bruce Wayne and pirates on a treasure hunt through an ancient cave. That story doesn't cry out for complexity. Still, Morrison does his utmost best to try and make it unreadable to anyone that isn't already a fan of his.

ISSUE 4

DARK KNIGHT, DARK RIDER

SCRIPTS: Grant Morrison

PENCILS: Georges Jeanty

COVER: Andy Kubert

I love western comics and am a big fan of Jonah Hex (who appears in this issue), so I had (fairly) high hopes for this issue.  As a matter of fact, it was wanting to read this issue that made me throw down my 5 bucks for this set of comics.

Unfortunately, once again Morrison drops the ball.

But oddly enough, not in the same way as in the other issues (well, mostly not). 

For once, he didn't bog down the story with needless convolutions and reliance on past continuity. No. . .Morrison flubbed this one by breaking his own characterization of Bruce Wayne. That and a continued over-reliance on coincidence.

See. . .with the exception of Wayne grunting his way through the opening Caveman issue, he's been fairly chatty with other characters. . .in a confusing semi-amnesiac sort of way. In THIS issue, Wayne doesn't say a word at all.

I realize that Morrison was trying to evoke the silent gunslinger archetype. . .the "Man with no name", but it makes this issue stand out like a sore thumb. To be fair, Morrison did a decent job with Jonah Hex. That was a nice surprise, and thank God for it. . .so credit due where credit's due.

And although the art was good (and once again props up a practically unreadable story), how come in previous issues, Gotham is a gloomy seaside town while in this one it looks like it's in Arizona? 

At that point in time, Gotham wouldn't have been just a frontier town with a dusty main street. With Jonah Hex in it, the time was post civil war. . .late 1800's. Gotham would have been a big, stinking metropolis with thousands of people.

Overall, despite the artist and writer both taking the western theme a bit too far, this was probably the most enjoyable issue of the series.  It had none of the distracting Justice League scenes to distract from the western story being told, and Morrison was somehow able to make himself write a fairly straightforward narrative with two of my favorite characters going against each other.  That said. . .one out of 4 still ain't good.

ISSUE 5

MASQUERADE

The two best things about this issue are the completely amazing Kubert cover and the "To be concluded" tag on the last page.

After a short break from continuity creeping with last issue's too-western western theme, Bruce Wayne skips a HUGE chunk of time between the 1800's and the 1940's so Morrison can try to write some noir, I guess.   

A Dame.  It always starts with a dame.

To be fair, he doesn't do a bad job with the inner monologue, but coming directly on the heels of Bruce Wayne's "Silent Gunslinger" and giving him the most dialogue of any issue so far is just strange. . .especially when Wayne is constantly cracking wise and making tough guy jokes (that mostly fall flat).

WORD OF WARNING:  If you aren't familiar with "Batman R.I.P." (from Batman #676 - 681) you will have absolutely no idea what is going on in this issue. Besides the usual pile of coincidence, this issue leans HEAVILY on "R.I.P."  

For that matter, the efforts of the Justice League to find Batman in "Real Time" lean very heavily on "Final Crisis", so you'd better wiki that up too if you don't have your back issues handy for reference.

QUESTION: Why the hell do I need reference material to read a story about Batman trapped in time?

"And that. . .is why you fail."

-Yoda

Overall, this was actually a pretty good issue. . .which is to say that if the quality bar for an issue to hurdle is set down at "pretty good" it's still not that great.  The main thing keeping this from being a nice little noir adventure was an almost complete reliance on an unrelated story that came out 2 years previously.

AND FINALLY. . .

ISSUE 6

THE ALL-OVER

SCRIPTS: Grant Morrison

PENCILS: Lee Garbett & Pere Perez

COVER: Andy Kubert

All I can say is, thank God it's over.

This issue was the worst of the bunch. It's practically unreadable.

I proudly present Grant Morrison the achievement award for convoluted storytelling in comics. *slowly claps*

I'll tell you the completely honest truth here. I have very little idea of just what the hell happened in this final issue. All I know is that at the end, as promised, Bruce Wayne has returned.  He's back in his own time and free of the Omega Energy that was going to blow a hole in the universe.  Hooray?

Wait. . .What?

Aside from some great artwork, this issue has to be one of the most mind-numbingly worst single issues I have ever read.  And this is coming from someone who is the "proud" owner of the entire 13 issue "Heroes Reborn" Captain America run by the esteemed Rob Liefeld. 

CONCLUSION

This whole series has suffered from one simple thing: Grant Morrison.

What SHOULD have been a fun romp through time with a bunch of cool moments and guest stars turned into such a hot mess that I've rarely been so glad to see the end of a series as I was with this one. 

I submit that almost ANY other writer could have done this story better. Morrison's obsession with obscura and fan service destroyed an otherwise simple tale of Batman trying to get back to his own time.  

I asked the question before. . .is Grant Morrison capable of writing a simple story? 

This mini is the answer. The answer is no.  Unfortunately, Batman had to pay the price for this answer, and that just makes me sort of sad.

2019 RE-READ CONCLUSION

As usual for these "Rescue Reviews" I re-read Batman: The Return of Bruce Wayne so I could give a little fresh commentary on it.  I wish I hadn't.  As you can see from the review above, I barely gave any sort of synopsis for the individual issues.  That's because there's barely any story!  You come into this expecting Pirate Batman, Cowboy Batman, etc.  What you GET is extremely thin surface stories attempting to prop up an extremely dense and self-referential underlying story.

Look.  I understand that there is a place for stories with layers.  Batman trapped in time is not one of those places. This was a missed opportunity for DC to tell a fun time travel story starring one of their greatest heroes desperately trying to find his way home while everybody thinks he's dead.  In the hands of someone like Alan Grant, it probably would have been just that.

Unfortunately, I stand by my original conclusion that the main problem with this series is Grant Morrison and his strange obsession with smugly expecting readers to be familiar with everything he's written previously.  I'm sure he's a very nice man and his family loves him, and I'm glad he's found success. . .but Grant Morrison is NOT a great Batman writer in my extremely humble opinion.  One should not need reference material to read a Batman story. 

In the end, what we have here is a 6 issue series where there are two "Pretty good" issues and one "okay" issue with the last issue being practically unreadable.  The whole story is propped up on a combination of increasingly-ridiculous coincidence and reference to past material that the reader may or may not be familiar with.  The art is reliably good and is the best thing about this series. Unfortunately with comics, art is only half the equation, so that's not enough to save this mess.

I can only recommend this series to Batman completionists and fans of Grant Morrison.  Anyone else. . .do yourself a favor and stay away, even if you find it in the bargain bin for cheap.  You have been warned.

Up Next. . .

Hopefully the next Reader Request edition of Longbox Junk: Vertigo's American Vampire.

Thanks to Comic Book Realm Member Brucifer for the great suggestion!

Be there or be square!

Longbox Junk - Oracle: The Cure

Welcome to another Longbox Junk Rescue Review!

These are older reviews I wrote under contract to a very popular (and still existing) comic site that shall not be named.  These days, they can be kindly described as a comic "related" site.  Most of these "Rescue Reviews" I've pulled from their hard to access and navigate archives.  THIS review is a little different in that it was a REJECTED review (for being too long and too negative), so it's basically pulled from my own archives.

This review has always sort of stuck with me because it was the beginning of the end of my writing comic reviews for pay.  To make a long story short, this review garnered me a rare phone call from one of the editors, who informed me that it was okay to write negative reviews about lower-tier publishers and fringe projects (such as First Wave), but in order for the site to keep getting exclusive previews and so on, going forward I needed to keep any reviews of "The Big Two" comics starring major characters positive. . .even with older material.

Needless to say, I didn't like being told to basically lie in order for the site to stay on the good side of comic publishers.  On the other hand, I WAS getting paid to read and write about comic books for a major comic site!  So I tossed this one in a hole and reluctantly toed the line for about another year until something else happened that  made me quit entirely.  But THAT'S another story!  

Enough about ME. Let's get into a bit of intro and background for the review at hand. . .

I really liked Oracle as a character. She was one of the more unusual mainstream comic characters out there. . .being a former superhero (Batgirl) that was paralyzed in a horrific attack by the Joker (in the classic Batman: The Killing Joke), but came to terms with her disability and became a behind-the-scenes information source, an incredible support for other heroes, and the leader of her own team (The Birds of Prey).

Oracle was a great representation of how being a hero doesn't necessarily mean wearing a costume and swinging from the rooftops, and was a great example to readers like my daughter of a powerful female character who didn't have to throw a single punch to be a complete bad@$$.

I won't get into it, for the sake of blowing this intro into something much longer than the review itself (and honestly, just thinking about it sort of makes me a little angry), but I feel that DC made a BIG mistake in taking such a great character as Oracle off their roster just to have Barbara Gordon being Batgirl again in the New 52.

BUT. . .

That doesn't have anything to do with this mini, which is pre-New 52.

It's a tie in to the "Battle For The Cowl" event, where the world thought Batman was dead after the events of the ironically-named "Final Crisis" and everyone was trying to figure out who was going to replace Batman, or if he even COULD be replaced or SHOULD be replaced.

THAT SAID. . .

Oddly enough, this mini has absolutely NOTHING to do with "Battle for The Cowl", and barely references it at all. It is ACTUALLY more of a follow up from Final Crisis itself, as the story picks up from events directly involving Final Crisis. . .namely, the Calculator's daughter being in the hospital on death's door and the Calculator trying to assemble a version of the "Anti-Life Equation" that was used by Darkseid in Final Crisis to save her.  

I'm not sure what the reasoning was behind having a Battle for The Cowl tie-in that's actually an epilogue to Final Crisis. . .an entirely different event. . .was, but I'm sure it's an interesting story.

ANYWAY. . .

What I'm trying to say is:  If you aren't familiar with the events of Final Crisis, then you will have a hard time understanding what is going on in this mini. The story directly references Final Crisis and it assumes you have knowledge of all the characters on deck. There is no real introduction to any of them and you are basically dumped right into the story. . .and it's not a very simple story.

In other words: Fair Warning. . .This mini is NOT for the casual comic reader. 

Let's do it!

ORIGINAL INTRO:

Welcome to a "Battle For The Cowl" tie in that's ACTUALLY a "Final Crisis" epilogue.

Wait. . .What?

On a re-read for this review, I have the same opinion as I originally did, so except for some pictures, the new intro, and a bit of spit shine, I've left the review pretty much as first written.

ORACLE: THE CURE

DC (2009)

SCRIPTS: Kevin Vanhook

PENCILS: Julian Lopez & Fernando Pasarin

COVERS: Guillem March

ISSUE 1

Home Again, Home Again

Holy Rack-oly! How about that cover?
It's nicely done and eye-catching to say the least, but I'm not sure it's entirely safe for work. . .

But that's the cover.  Let's look inside and see what we've got here. . .

Honestly, it's a bit of a mess. Not only because it's basically an epilogue to Final Crisis when it's advertised as being part of Battle for The Cowl, but because it's just sort of a mess. 

It tries to mix the virtual world and the real world so that a character who spends most of her heroic moments behind a keyboard can be seen in her element. Unfortunately, scenes of people sitting around tapping keyboards aren't awesome, so they have to find ways to get Oracle out and about.

They do that by showing her undressing for a shower. . .and having angry bo stick practice in her sports bra. . .and how about that cover again?  And those are just the "highlights".  They REALLY make an effort to sexualize Oracle in this series. It's a bit distracting and frankly a bit uncomfortable to see such a strong character reduced to PG-13 shower scenes.

Why, DC?

That aside, the lack of needed background to the convoluted story of the Calculator trying to save his daughter by assembling a version of the Anti-Life Equation online and testing it on computer hackers until he gets it right makes this comic EXTREMELY new reader unfriendly. 

It all just makes one wonder why this mini exists in the first place. The art isn't bad, the writing isn't bad, but it just seems like there's no real justification for the existence of this story.

Was there a demand for a Final Crisis epilogue for The Calculator?  And why do it in a Battle for The Cowl tie in?  For that matter. . .if this is a Battle for The Cowl tie in, then why is it barely referenced at all beyond a couple of throwaway lines while Barbara has dinner with her father, Commissioner Gordon?

All in all, this mini confuses me. I like it because I like Oracle, but is this the Oracle I like?

ISSUE 2

Big Trouble In Hong Kong

If you thought the cover to issue one was a "bit exploitative", the cover to issue two definitely borders on NSFW.

And once again, the overt sexualization of Oracle continues inside. Okay. . .I like to look at pictures of sexy women just like any other normal guy. That said, they seem to be going out of their way here. Within the first few pages, Oracle is assaulted and threatened with rape. Shortly after, her new hacker buddies are commenting on her nice wet shirt look. Then there's that cover. . .and so on and so forth.

 Barbara Gordon being sexy is okay.  It's okay to say that just because someone is in a wheelchair, that doesn't mean they can't still be attractive. But do we really need to be constantly hit on the head with it?

Oracle is supposed to be saving people from a virtual threat reaching out into the real world. . .Is how sexy she is really important to the story at all? It's really starting to look like fan service of the wrong kind.

ANYWAY. . .

The glaringly overt sexualization of the main character aside, this issue suffers from the same problems as the first. The main problem being that it's an epilogue to a different "event" than the one advertised on the cover and it isn't really explained what exactly the Calculator is trying to do, how he's trying to do it, or why he thinks it will work.

Short Version: He's making a virtual recreation of the Anti-Life Equation and testing it online on hackers he is luring before cutting crystals to the specification he discovers in order to re-create the Equation in the real world.

It doesn't help that the story is very convoluted and it's never really explained how the Calculator can reach out from the internet to kill people in the real world.

Just. . .reasons?

The writing and art are still good. . .an interesting paradox. . .how can the separate parts be good, but the combination be bad? Of note is a fantastic double page spread of Oracle's avatar moving through the virtual lattice framework of the internet. It's just an awesome piece of art! 

Now THAT'S the Oracle I want to see more of. Not Barbara Gordon laying in a Hong Kong Alley being threatened by leering would-be rapists.  I'm glad that Oracle finally got a solo series, but the character deserves better than this.

AND FINALLY. . .

ISSUE 3

A Matter of Anti-Life or Death

The good news is they toned down the cover a bit from "borderline NSFW". 

The bad news is that they toned it down to "Busty pulp damsel in distress".

Thank God this mini was only 3 issues. The ending is basically a "to be continued" setup for further events in the DCU, and the journey through the rest of the issue to get to that weak ending is a hot mess.

Oracle confronts the Calculator in cyberspace and defeats him. . .then confronts him in the real world and it's shown that the effects of their avatars battling on the internet has affected the Calculator in real life. How? Nobody knows! Anti-Life Equation. . .reasons!

The ending was a real downer. No happy ending here. Calculator was just trying to help his daughter. He ends up in prison. His daughter ends up paralyzed. Oracle has this mini hanging around her neck like a sexy albatross. Calculator doesn't win.  Oracle doesn't win. The reader doesn't win.

Nobody wins.

Okay, okay. . .it wasn't ALL bad. 

They toned down the sexualization in this issue and showed Oracle as a hero fighting in her own element. The characterization was better this time around.  Oracle is depicted as a hero on her own terms. No Birds of Prey. . .no Bat-Family. I also liked that it touched in several places on the events of "Killing Joke", where she was shot and paralyzed years before, giving some nice continuity.

CONCLUSION

A convoluted story, awkward sexualization of Oracle, a downer ending based on unexplained powers suddenly showing up, and a basic lack of justification for the existence of this mini at all overshadow the few good points present.

I wouldn't really suggest this mini to anybody new to comics or new to the character of Oracle as any sort of introduction. It's definitely "in-crowd" only on this one.  For that matter, I won't even recommend it for the "in-crowd".

At the end of it all, it's just a confusing mess that really shouldn't exist.  For a fan of Oracle such as myself, it's a wasted opportunity for a great character and a damn shame.

Next up. . .

Travel with me back to 1994 and remember the wonderful world of anger, crossbows, and clenched teeth that USED to be The Huntress when she was DC's answer to The Punisher! DC's The Huntress 4 issue mini.

 Be there or be square!